inner warriors: september 26, 2006

the Daily OM for september 25 ("stoking the fire within: awakening the inner warrior") begins:

"There are certain personality archetypes that we all carry within us, such as the inner child, the lover, and the mother. Some of these archetypes present themselves strongly, while others lay fallow. For example, there is an inner warrior in each one of us, but in some of us this warrior is underdeveloped to the point that we are unable to stand up for ourselves, even when necessary. There can be many reasons for this. We may have grown up with a parent whose warrior aspect was overdeveloped, and we responded by repressing ours completely. On the other hand, we may have grown up with parents in whom this aspect was dormant, so we never learned to awaken it in ourselves.

A warrior is someone with the strength to stand up for what he or she believes; someone who perseveres in the face of challenges and obstacles; someone who speaks and acts in the service of an ideal; someone who protects those who are too weak to fight for themselves. Regardless of the reasons for an underdeveloped inner warrior, you may begin to notice the lack of its fiery, protective presence and wish to awaken it. You may need to stand up for yourself in a certain relationship or situation, or you may have a vision you want to realize, and you know you will need the courage, energy, and strength of a warrior to succeed. Similarly, if you find that you often feel scared, anxious, or powerless, rousing this sleeping ally may be just the antidote you need."

i'm about to hike up to the monastery for 10 days of intense tibetan buddhism. my inner child is wailing; my warrior is perennially en vacance. maintaining e-mail contact is even difficult. i'm going to speak to a lama about an upgrade.

none of which is pertinent. what is pertinent is something i shared with some of you directly by e-mail yesterday. it has not rained yet today, but the last few days have dumped enough preciptation on the kathmandu valley to moisten it into a quagmire that neatly reflects my interior life. ok, so maybe it was pertinent. in any event, what i shared was this:

it isn't sunshine here. in fact it's been raining for 3 days. yesterday, this seemed to be a good reason for someone (it's never really clear who has any authority over anything here or if it's ever exercised for the public good) to shovel out into the muddy, nearby intersection the pile of refuse that was (naturally) composting at the side of the road, there being nothing here that approximates municipal garbage collection....unless you count the sacred cows who seem to subsist on it. in the ensuing downpour, the road became a gigantic sewage viaduct. this is life in suburban kathmandu. i'm learning to walk quickly, but always with an eye to what i might be about to step in. there are cows, goats, chickens, ducks, dogs--and occasionally humans--engaging in all manner of activity along the backroads northeast of the city that i presently consider to be home.

i'm off to see the wizard....

:o)

wherefore art me - september 24, 2006

i've now been into the heart of Kathmandu three times. i'm still not sure i'm ready to brave it on my own, but i don't need to think of that until after the meditation course at Kopan, which starts on Tuesday.

The first (last sunday?) was a quick afternoon tour with Bahadur and Katherine through Durbar Square, Freak Street (after the many hippies who gathered here in the 60s and 70s for the ubiquitous and very cheap weed and hashish, which i understand pretty much grows wild everywhere here) and the Thamel district.

The second was a full day on tuesday, september 19, with Bahadur's cousin, Bim, who is also a trekking guide, but whose English is significantly better. Bahadur and Bim met Katherine and me at Cafe New Orleans, now clearly my favourite nutritional oasis, in Boudhanath. Bahadur and Katherine went off to visit Patan, which is south of the Bagmati River and was once a separate kingdom, but is now part of the larger "conurbation" (not my term, but i kind of like it) of Kathamndu. I hope to visit Patan before I leave Nepal.

Bim had an itinerary already designed, and it started with getting me registered with the Canadian Cooperation Office-Nepal in Lazimpath (north of Thamel), which serves as the Canadian Embassy. then we moved to the the very place i had in mind to start with: Swayambhunath, frequently, though unfairly, i think, referred to as The Monkey Temple owing to the hordes of monkeys inhabiting the hill on which the temple is located. I won't try to recount the legend of Swayambhunath (though check here for a bit of it), but it does involve some role as a kind of geological refuge during the time when the Kathmandu Valley (perhaps 200,000 years ago) was a primordial lake (there is evidence that this was the case).

i was accosted at the base of the steps leading up to the temple by a coupled of saffron-robed sadhus, who, without warning, planted a tikka on my forehead and showered me with marigold petals before asking for baksheesh ("donation"). when i offered a 2 rupee coin, one of them practically hissed at me and muttered "100 rupees", but i wasn't in the mood for extortion and moved on. it wasn't the easiest or most peaceful or most compassionate introduction to one of the most sacred places in the Kathmandu Valley. I was also almost attacked by a monkey when i stopped to take it's photo, so the ascent was fraught with danger. Add to all of that the hawkers selling their wares all the way up the steps as well as among the 108 smaller stupas at the top and you get a flavour for nepali spiritualism. If i'm remembering my history lesson, though, this site has been a buddhist sacred space since the 6th century. There is also a legend, which some accept as fact (i'm leaving the question open) of an 8th century ascetic, Shantikar Acharya, who still lives many levels down in a locked cell in a smaller temple in the complex, called Shantipur.

Bim also took me back to Durbar Square, which is hardly a square, but is filled with astonishing and fascinating architecture, including the building allegedly made from a single tree in the 12th century, which is called Kasthamandap and is probably the source of Kathmandu's name. Kasthamandap was a resting place along the trade route between India and Tibet. (Patan and Bakhtapur also have their own Durbar Squares, just to keep things simple.) The Nine-Storey Palace -- the original royal palace--is particularly mind-boggling: all wood that has been carved so intricately that one wonders how it's survived. the residence of the Living Goddess (the embodiment of Taleju Bhawani), Kumari Ghar, is just as mind-boggling, however the fact that a very young girl is effectively captive for the first tender years of her life before she runs out of usefulness is a bit difficult to swallow.

in a shop in Thamel, we ran into Bim's father, now in his 70s and an ordained monk. Bim helped me purchase a string of prayer beads that he subsequently helped me have properly "kitted out" at another shop in Boudhanath with better string and the counting strings with their sterling silver counters, bell and vajra (or dorje in Tibetan). Bim encouraged me to take them with me to Kopan to be properly blessed by a lama and to receive a mantra.

after all of that, we had a relatively quick tour of the holiest Hindu complex in Kathmandu, perhaps in all of Nepal: Pashupatinath (pronounced, basically, "posh-potty-naht". Pashupatinath is to Nepal Hindus what Varanasi is to Indian Hindus. it is considered the most sacred temple to Shiva (The Destroyer) in the world. i observed my first cremations at the ghats along the absolutely filthy, but entirely sacred, bagmati river. they were, according to Bim, "poor" cremations, with the wealthier families staging their cremations further up towards the main temple (no non-hindus allowed). although i did take a photo of the pyres from the bridge, we were approached by a young hindu man who wanted to be my guide. i think i set the fox amongst the chickens when i said that i already had a guide and indicated Bim, who is, of course Tamang and Buddhist (both of which would be obvious to the young hindu man). A vigorous discussion took place between the two of them, which led to Bim and I walking up the stone steps to the viewing area well above the complex itself. It started to rain so heavily, though, that we had to make our way into the area of the 108 shrines to Shiva, each containing a lingam, and took refuge in a small structure that Bim said would ordinarily be occupied by priests. i was so fascinated by the downpour and the atmosphere of the place that i didn't try to engage any of the other 5 men in conversation, who were taking similar refuge.

the rain cut short our visit to this magnificent and powerful place, but it is within walking distance from Boudhanath and i plan to return on my own. if i have to pay a couple of hundred rupees to a local to show me everything (that i'm allowed to see), so be it. at least my visit here has confirmed my desire to visit Varanasi once I get to India.

my THIRD visit to Kathmandu was with the grade 4 students from the Child Haven Green Tara school this past Wednesday (September 20), but this time, instead of the relative luxury of taxis, we all crowded onto a local bus at Tintchuli (just south of Aaru Bari where the home is located) and bounced and jostled our way through Chabahil, Mahankil and then into the city itself. It was an hour of amusing discomfort.

we first stopped at the base of the Bhimsen Tower, the tallest structure in Kathmandu, where the attendants very kindly let us all in free (tourists would be expected to cough up 290 rupees, or about $4.) then it was back into the wilds of Durbar square where the children were the very willing recipients of loads of attention from other tourists, who wanted to take their picture. we toured the Hanuman-Dhoka palace and its almost endless series of museums before making our way to the rather threadbare Ratna Park for tiffin (i.e. tea or lunch). Katherine and I bought bananas and a slightly spicy fried dough treat to add to the food provided by the home (crisped beaten rice with a bit of seasoning). After tiffin, we walked past the sadly grand Rani Phokari, which is a small temple in the middle of a large, green pond, reached by a long causeway. It is opened only once during the festival of Tihar, which follows immediately after Dasain. (Dasain commenced yesterday, btw, so many of the children have gone to their families.) A walk by Ghanta Ghar (the clock tower) and it was back to the bus stop and a bone-jarring ride back to Aaru Bari.

yesterday, i ran into Katherine while i was enjoying coffee and "tofu energy" at Cafe New Orleans. we ended up chatting with a lovely young woman, Sarah, from Sydney, Australia, who's also a recovering lawyer. she came along with us to visit one of the tibetan buddhist monasteries ringing the hills around the valley, Pullahari, which is about a 40-minute walk from the Child Haven home. Pretty spectacular, perched on the edge of a hill as it is, so the view was extraordinary. We were even more surprised by the small tuck shop, where we ate samosas and pakodas (pakoras) and Katherine and I enjoyed truly delicious cups of coffee (made with an espresso machine). you gotta love tibetan buddhist monks.

So, I'm now just preparing for my 10 days at Kopan Monastery. I've been reading The Fundamentals of Tibetan Buddhism by Rebecca Novick, which I found much more digestible and helpful than the Dalai Lama's book.

Oh and I do have news: I AM going to to Tibet. I spoke to the travel agent in Kathmandu and he is booking my flight to coincide with Bonnie's, so I will be there from December 16-23. I haven't checked my e-mail yet today to know whether the Ottawa travel agent has been able to get me to Delhi on November 14 to connected with Bonnie, but I'll know more later.

Since I'm heading into relative seclusion for the next 10 days (as of Tuesday), i likely won't be posting for awhile or checking e-mail. I'll check back in as soon as I can.

on the move - september 17,2006

i moved from the PRK Guesthouse yesterday afternoon and stayed in the Khumbu Hotel last night, but broke from my banana pancake tradition at breakfast this morning to eat a masala omelette with two pieces of buttered toast with jam (and a cappuccino...in honour of fred and bonnie, naturally)

on the way from the Khumbu to my NEXT accommodation, the Pema Lhamo Guesthouse, which I think will be quieter and is somewhat cheaper, i ran into Katherine's friend, Bahadur, my intended trekking guide. I had planned to call him today anyway, but now I have a date with Bahadur and his cousin, Bim (who he calls his "brother") at the New Orleans Cafe at 9:30am on Tuesday. I've asked for a day with Bahadur (and Bim, if he chooses) in Kathmandu to show me around and orient me. I still have to register my presence here with the Canadian Consulate in Lazimpath, which is north of the famous Thamel district (see also here) and is where all of the embassies are located. I don't think I would worry about it, but there have been some incidents of roads being blocked and strikes as the government and the maoists continue to figure out how to make things work, or if they can be made to work. Anyone interested in the current affairs in this part of the world can check out The Himalayan Times. I haven't read it often enough to suss out it's particular bias, if any. (note to self....).

as much as i would love to post photos, i have to say that the connection speeds are very slow and sporadic. it can take 5-10 minutes for something to happen. if i can find a place in kathmandu, or maybe delhi, i'll try to upload a bunch to Flickr and anyone interested can check them out there.

on the subject of delhi, it looks like i will be accompanying Bonnie Cappuccino on her fall progress. she arrives in Delhi en route to Ahmedabad in Gujarat i believe on November 16. she has a fairly jumbled, whirlwind tour of the child haven homes in india, then bangladesh and then tibet before returning to kathmandu. i'm just sorting out the arrangements now and will post an itinerary when it's settled, but it looks like i'll at least get to spend one week in Tibet from December 9-16.

on a related note, when i asked for a suitable book to read prior to the 10-day meditation course, the library at the Kopan Monastery loaned me The World of Tibetan Buddhism by the Dalai Lama. I read two chapters and had to put it down, finding it utterly incomprehensible (i want to say incoherent, which would be more accurate, but i feel bound by a sense of deference to the Dalai Lama not to say that). perhaps if i perserved, it might illuminate the real highlights of tibetan buddhist philosophy, but the portions that i read seemed more concerned about the relationships between the differents turnings of the wheel of Dharma and which sutras are more profound than others rather than building up from the basics of the Buddha's teachings (from the Four Noble Truths upward through the Noble Eightfold path and how these have evolved into the form of Buddhist philosophy and practice that is vastly more complex than the Theravadan school with which i am more familiar. i'm disappointed, but have accepted that i am simply meant to show up at the course with an open mind and listen. i'm consoling my disappointment with the Dalai Lama's book by devouring the slim, and immeasurably more intuitive and straightforward Meditation in Action by Chogyam Trungpa.

today, i'm walking back up to Child Haven to meet with KP-sir (the acting manager) and Kanya-miss (the office manager) to discuss my decision about child have and what smaller projects i may be able to assist them with when i am still in the area. i'm hoping to update the photo boards of the children that are mounted above the dining hall and to fix the Karam Boards so that the pockets are all covered with mesh to catch the playing discs. (Karam Board is vaguely like pool, only it's played on a square board with oversized tiddly-winks. I haven't yet figured out the rules.)

namaste

where to begin - september 15, 2006

to say that the last several days have been an amusement park ride of unusual thrills and correlative g-forces would approximate my experience, but only just this side of statistical significance. (that made sense in my head and i'm ok with that.)

despite the enthusiasm that seemed to pour like syrup from my last post, i have now accepted that, while the journey to kathmandu to visit the child haven home was entirely meant to be and is an essential step on the path, i have run up against very real limitations in my ability to be creative, constructive, energetic and compassionate with such a large group of incredibly boisterous, frequently unruly and demanding, though completely wonderful little human beings. i'm just not cut from the kind of cloth that can hold all of their stuff. not yet anyway. i feel like one of them, in many ways and for many reasons, but the fact that i am on a journey to free myself from the clutches of certain fears and i haven't yet done that contributes mostly to feelings of frustration, anger and hopelessness when faced with the daily demands of the child haven home. it's more than i have to give at this point.

the other two volunteers, Scott and Katherine, have been incredibly supportive throughout my physical illness and the wild gyrations of my mental-emotional machine. those to whom i've written e-mails and/or for whom i've left tearful voice messages (you know who you are) have been immediately forthcoming with the kind of wisdom that only the very oldest souls are, i believe, able to communicate in a meaningful way. that i am blessed by the presence of these souls and the shower of their wisdom is pretty fucking remarkable. ahem. one day my creative spark will light a bonfire under the possibilities of expressing true gratitude beyond the tepid, albeit honest, "thank you".

because of the sinus infection that had me laid pretty low since september 5, and is still hanging in but improving, i gave in to suggestions to try antibiotics. i was responding to what seemed to be a collective level of alarm that i took as a reflection of a state of my being that i was choosing not to see (that whole fear of failure thing, perhaps). one doesn't need a doctor for these sorts of things. a charming pharmacist with very good english is just up the road from this internet cafe. i bought a 5-day course of some relative of erythromycin. i'm starting to feel much better today, though i'm sure that has something to do with making a decision about child haven.

so i will be moving out of the accommodation provided for the volunteers and, for the next week, will stay in a guest house in Boudha--either the PRK Guesthouse, where i've spent the last 3 days, or the Pema Guesthouse.

the PRK (Pal Rapten Khangsar) Guesthouse isn't mentioned in any guidebooks that i've seen, but it's beautiful and clean. it's run by the Tharig Monastery, one of the many tibetan buddhist monasteries surrounding the boudhanath stupa precinct. however, it's close enough to the stupa and the main road (rutted, boulder-filled and pot-holed) north to Tintchuli and Aaru Bari that it can be fairly noisy until after 10pm. it has a really beautiful little garden space with a replica of the stupa in a mandala at the centre of the garden. the staff are charming. because of the recent increase in political troubles here, there are fewer tourists than usual for this time of the year. i doubt that more than a handful of people are staying in the guesthouse. i'm paying 500 nepali rupees per night, or about CAN$7.50. the hot shower alone is worth it.

the Pema Lhamo Guesthouse is mentioned in the Rough Guide to Nepal and is a little more tired looking than the very fresh PRK, but it's well away from the main road and seems quieter. i've negotiated a double room (instead of a single) for one week for 550 NRS per night (about $8) if i choose to stay there.

today, i enjoyed a truly delicious breakfast at what i think is called the Khumbu Hotel overlooking the stupa: 8-inch round, half-inch thick banana pancake with a really light syrup, fresh fruit and curd (i.e. yogurt) and my first latte (first coffee, actually) in nepal. after breakfast i tried to find a more detailed map of this area so that i'd have some reference to find the Kopan Monastery, which is about 3km north of Boudha. however, the universe was determined that i was going to find my own way and, with only a general sense of direction and my newfound willingness to ask the locals, i found myself at the top of the ridge on which the monastery sits. it's a newer monastery (built in the 1970s), and the stupa is a bit gaudy, containing all sorts of relics of former Rinpoches and dharma texts. it's called the 1000 Relic Stupa. i'm confused by the significance of these material things in a belief system that, i thought, was about non-attachment.

i will have an opportunity to explore those questions, however, because when i made my way to the reception office, a poster above the door announced the next introductory 1o-day meditation course and retreat from september 26-october 5. naturally, this was a sign, since the Dashain festival starts on September 23 and i do want to spend some time at the home with the children who remain there during the festival (about 40 out of 104). we'll fly kites, the traditional pastime at Dashain, which is immediately followed by another festival, Tihar, during which, among many other things, younger sisters mark older brothers with the tikka on their foreheads. so i'll have 3 days of Dashain, then my meditation course--which i registered for on the spot--and then, hopefully within a week afterwards, i'll be trekking in the Langtang/Gosainkund/Helambhu areas of the Himalayas (not my photo here).

the trekking thing kind of came out of nowhere since i hadn't really planned it, but volunteer Katherine visited nepal 17 years ago and went trekking with a charming and scrupulously honest man from an unpronounceable Tamang village. i enjoyed tea with both of them two days ago and Bahadur, the guide, was kind enough to invite me back to his temporary home in Boudha where he has two rooms, one for him and the kitchen and one upstairs for two of his daughters, who attend a nearby english school. his wife remains in the village with 2 other children, while his oldest boy is off doing his own thing somewhere in kathmandu or boudha (i'm not quite sure i got the story). Bahadur's english is excellent and he seems to know his stuff and i feel very comfortable with him. he's making a trek sound like a piece of cake and has offered to practically do everything for me, including finding all of the gear i'll need to rent. i may even get to visit his family in his village.

i've met some astonishingly lovely people. of all things about this journey so far, that is what sustains me. there are smiles everywhere. there's also sewage and waste and chickens and goats and maimed cats and dogs and flyblown meat and poverty of a quality that absolutely defies description. everything here is uglybeautiful. it's like ugly and beautiful were placed like two protons at either end of a huge particle accelerator and sent careening toward one another at near light speed and, oops, out popped nepal in all kinds of bizarre, uglybeautiful manifestations. and it's not just squashed together tenements and brash mansions all higgledy-piggledy--there are plenty of those odd couples--but even in individual people and in individual things, the uglybeautiful is omnipresent. it opens up one's perspective in a hitherto unknown sphere. i love the stench and the garbage and the bright blue and pink multi-leveled homes and the sari-draped women, who somehow manage never to attract a splash of mud even on the wettest days, and the countless shops selling way too many sweet things and buckets.

for those waiting for photos, i'll try to get a mostly photo entry (including some of the beautiful children) up in the next couple of days. uploading photos can be very time consuming here.

namaste

bouddha, nepal - september 4, 2006

just a quick update: my mind would like me to believe that i'm running on pure adrenaline, but as of this moment, after a frank and productive planning meeting with scott over nepali massala tea, fruit and yoghurt and a yummy piece of apple pie at Cafe New Orleans in Bouddhanath, i say "oh, bollocks!" i'm so energized right now, especially after my first hair-raisingly scary "special [or "extra"] class yesterday afternoon--i.e. one in which i was expected to be the teacher. i wanted the children to draw pictures of themselves, but none of them liked that idea, so they drew, coloured, painted whatever they wanted and it was pure, unfiltered chaos. fortunately, one of the didis was there to help me. i was completely unprepared (note to self....). but it can't be any worse than that. i ended up doing two in a row. i'm learning how to make flowers out of tiny pieces of paper. i'll do it again this afternoon, but scott and i are sharing the later class and will bring out cricket bats that he picked up the other day. we'll let them hit balls and chase them (see previous post re aussie rules football...)

gurilla has written recently about feeling untouched by death or illness. i think i might have agreed with him before this moment, but this place defies that belief for me. life and death and illness and beauty and truth are so immediate here. i've already been scammed by a beautiful young hindu woman with a 3 month old baby and almost flawless english wanting powdered milk. i could have backed out once i realized what was going on, but accepted it as part of the journey to know what it really felt like to let go of the judgments as they arose (of her, her lurking "pimp", the cashier in the store where i purchased the milk, and, of course, me). the limping, undernourished dogs, the toothless beggars, the women bearing impossible burdens of twigs, vegetation of all kinds and even baskets of sand, all strapped from their foreheads all participate in an insanely beautiful dance with everything that is magic here--magic that i'm perfectly incapable of giving form to in words. everyone is full of smiles and namastes and what is your name and where are you from and it just blossoms everywhere. even the untreated wastewater and rubbish everywhere remind me that i'm living right now.

i'm still adjusting and that will take a week or two, but i've already been lost once and found my way to where i wanted to go. and in that respect, please walk through whichever door suits you.

namaste

kathmandu, nepal - september 2, 2006

actually, i'm in between the separate community called bouddha (surrounding the larget buddhist stupa in asia, bouddhanath) and aaru bari, which is where the child haven home is located.

i'm overwhelmed. it's full-on and beautiful and wrenching and terrifying and did i mention it's beautiful? even the busy streets of kathmandu itself are vibrant in their own polluted way

the children, however, are definitely the most vibrant part of this. they are endless wells of curiosity and smiles and love and affection from the moment i arrived. by 10am this morning, after breakfast (of daal-bhat taarkari) i felt like i'd worked a full day. i'm going to be the butt of many practical jokes. oh, and i should never be allowed near a basketball. i managed to conk a very little one on the head my first shot this morning. i think i'll stick to walking in the morning, a little gymnastics (did my first cartwheels in years today) and tutoring.

i'm not alone. anna, from ottawa and who was with me at the orientation, picked me up at the airport and has introduced me to the joys of haggling and being at peace with the chaos, thought that's going to take some time to figure out. she leaves monday to continue her journey in india. but i have an unexpected roommate, scott, from england, who's been travelling in asia for several months and ran into anna's friend, sadie, when they were in dharamsala. sadie suggested child haven and he arrived the same day i did. once again, go team synchronicity. the next volunteer, katherine (a retired nurse, also from my orientation group), will arrive september 6.

despite my positive thinking about being here alone, i think it could have been catastrophic trying to figure this out without a little help. i'm so grateful for the the presence of anna and scott. finding a role in relation to the children, particularly the older boys, is going to be a fascinating process.

btw, it's true what the guidebooks say: nepali boys are very affectionate with one another, and now me. there's a great deal of handholding, cuddling, arm-in-arm stuff that is such a shock. it will take considerable getting used to. nevermind, the whole experience is just wild. i'm learning how to eat with the fingers of my right hand. it's an art. i'm being gently teased about it, but all the children are so supportive of my learning. it's so cool.

but it's also very hot. VERY hot. it's just the end of the monsoon, so the roads (if you care to be that generous with terminology) are often muddy tracks. but the home is located in an absolutely spectacular town, aaru bari, that is a perfect, calm oasis from the hubbub of even bouddha, let alone kathmandu, which i'll make my way to once i've settled in to life at the home.

i'm all over the place....

learning the children's names is incredibly challenging since they all sound kind of bubbly and full of trills and whimsical consonants. it's embarassing to forget the names of even those who've given me so much attention. fortunately, they tend to wear the same clothes for several days, so i can put faces to clothes. their personalities are outrageous. one project that scott and i will work on is updating the photo boards above the entrance to the dining hall. they don't accurately portray many of the children who've grown up since the photos were taken.

i'm glad that scott--who was a businessman for 8 years before leaving it all behind to work with children and children's programs and is now a practicing buddhist (don't ask me the discipline: he chants in japanese sanskrit)--is also here. he's got the capacity to be more of a father figure. i can work in the kitchens and do laundry like anna.

but i have to leave. the other two have finished.

more later.

i'm happyscared.

it's all good.