where to begin - september 15, 2006

to say that the last several days have been an amusement park ride of unusual thrills and correlative g-forces would approximate my experience, but only just this side of statistical significance. (that made sense in my head and i'm ok with that.)

despite the enthusiasm that seemed to pour like syrup from my last post, i have now accepted that, while the journey to kathmandu to visit the child haven home was entirely meant to be and is an essential step on the path, i have run up against very real limitations in my ability to be creative, constructive, energetic and compassionate with such a large group of incredibly boisterous, frequently unruly and demanding, though completely wonderful little human beings. i'm just not cut from the kind of cloth that can hold all of their stuff. not yet anyway. i feel like one of them, in many ways and for many reasons, but the fact that i am on a journey to free myself from the clutches of certain fears and i haven't yet done that contributes mostly to feelings of frustration, anger and hopelessness when faced with the daily demands of the child haven home. it's more than i have to give at this point.

the other two volunteers, Scott and Katherine, have been incredibly supportive throughout my physical illness and the wild gyrations of my mental-emotional machine. those to whom i've written e-mails and/or for whom i've left tearful voice messages (you know who you are) have been immediately forthcoming with the kind of wisdom that only the very oldest souls are, i believe, able to communicate in a meaningful way. that i am blessed by the presence of these souls and the shower of their wisdom is pretty fucking remarkable. ahem. one day my creative spark will light a bonfire under the possibilities of expressing true gratitude beyond the tepid, albeit honest, "thank you".

because of the sinus infection that had me laid pretty low since september 5, and is still hanging in but improving, i gave in to suggestions to try antibiotics. i was responding to what seemed to be a collective level of alarm that i took as a reflection of a state of my being that i was choosing not to see (that whole fear of failure thing, perhaps). one doesn't need a doctor for these sorts of things. a charming pharmacist with very good english is just up the road from this internet cafe. i bought a 5-day course of some relative of erythromycin. i'm starting to feel much better today, though i'm sure that has something to do with making a decision about child haven.

so i will be moving out of the accommodation provided for the volunteers and, for the next week, will stay in a guest house in Boudha--either the PRK Guesthouse, where i've spent the last 3 days, or the Pema Guesthouse.

the PRK (Pal Rapten Khangsar) Guesthouse isn't mentioned in any guidebooks that i've seen, but it's beautiful and clean. it's run by the Tharig Monastery, one of the many tibetan buddhist monasteries surrounding the boudhanath stupa precinct. however, it's close enough to the stupa and the main road (rutted, boulder-filled and pot-holed) north to Tintchuli and Aaru Bari that it can be fairly noisy until after 10pm. it has a really beautiful little garden space with a replica of the stupa in a mandala at the centre of the garden. the staff are charming. because of the recent increase in political troubles here, there are fewer tourists than usual for this time of the year. i doubt that more than a handful of people are staying in the guesthouse. i'm paying 500 nepali rupees per night, or about CAN$7.50. the hot shower alone is worth it.

the Pema Lhamo Guesthouse is mentioned in the Rough Guide to Nepal and is a little more tired looking than the very fresh PRK, but it's well away from the main road and seems quieter. i've negotiated a double room (instead of a single) for one week for 550 NRS per night (about $8) if i choose to stay there.

today, i enjoyed a truly delicious breakfast at what i think is called the Khumbu Hotel overlooking the stupa: 8-inch round, half-inch thick banana pancake with a really light syrup, fresh fruit and curd (i.e. yogurt) and my first latte (first coffee, actually) in nepal. after breakfast i tried to find a more detailed map of this area so that i'd have some reference to find the Kopan Monastery, which is about 3km north of Boudha. however, the universe was determined that i was going to find my own way and, with only a general sense of direction and my newfound willingness to ask the locals, i found myself at the top of the ridge on which the monastery sits. it's a newer monastery (built in the 1970s), and the stupa is a bit gaudy, containing all sorts of relics of former Rinpoches and dharma texts. it's called the 1000 Relic Stupa. i'm confused by the significance of these material things in a belief system that, i thought, was about non-attachment.

i will have an opportunity to explore those questions, however, because when i made my way to the reception office, a poster above the door announced the next introductory 1o-day meditation course and retreat from september 26-october 5. naturally, this was a sign, since the Dashain festival starts on September 23 and i do want to spend some time at the home with the children who remain there during the festival (about 40 out of 104). we'll fly kites, the traditional pastime at Dashain, which is immediately followed by another festival, Tihar, during which, among many other things, younger sisters mark older brothers with the tikka on their foreheads. so i'll have 3 days of Dashain, then my meditation course--which i registered for on the spot--and then, hopefully within a week afterwards, i'll be trekking in the Langtang/Gosainkund/Helambhu areas of the Himalayas (not my photo here).

the trekking thing kind of came out of nowhere since i hadn't really planned it, but volunteer Katherine visited nepal 17 years ago and went trekking with a charming and scrupulously honest man from an unpronounceable Tamang village. i enjoyed tea with both of them two days ago and Bahadur, the guide, was kind enough to invite me back to his temporary home in Boudha where he has two rooms, one for him and the kitchen and one upstairs for two of his daughters, who attend a nearby english school. his wife remains in the village with 2 other children, while his oldest boy is off doing his own thing somewhere in kathmandu or boudha (i'm not quite sure i got the story). Bahadur's english is excellent and he seems to know his stuff and i feel very comfortable with him. he's making a trek sound like a piece of cake and has offered to practically do everything for me, including finding all of the gear i'll need to rent. i may even get to visit his family in his village.

i've met some astonishingly lovely people. of all things about this journey so far, that is what sustains me. there are smiles everywhere. there's also sewage and waste and chickens and goats and maimed cats and dogs and flyblown meat and poverty of a quality that absolutely defies description. everything here is uglybeautiful. it's like ugly and beautiful were placed like two protons at either end of a huge particle accelerator and sent careening toward one another at near light speed and, oops, out popped nepal in all kinds of bizarre, uglybeautiful manifestations. and it's not just squashed together tenements and brash mansions all higgledy-piggledy--there are plenty of those odd couples--but even in individual people and in individual things, the uglybeautiful is omnipresent. it opens up one's perspective in a hitherto unknown sphere. i love the stench and the garbage and the bright blue and pink multi-leveled homes and the sari-draped women, who somehow manage never to attract a splash of mud even on the wettest days, and the countless shops selling way too many sweet things and buckets.

for those waiting for photos, i'll try to get a mostly photo entry (including some of the beautiful children) up in the next couple of days. uploading photos can be very time consuming here.

namaste